A Mother's Day Letter To My Sons

Dear boys --

Today is my first official Mother's Day as a single mom. As Mother's Days goes it was no different than any other in the past. I made dinner, cleaned up from dinner, did laundry and cleaned bathrooms. I'm not complaining, really I'm not. I'm grateful I get the privilege of being your mom and there is no way I'd ever walk away from being your parent. I love you too much to ever leave you.

As teen boys go, you were pretty cool today. You willingly hugged me, surprised me with gifts and sent me Happy Mothers Day text messages.

But I want to tell you something. Please don't roll your eyes at me. Trust me, you will appreciate this advice in the future. There are a few things you should remember when one day - a long time from now - you have a wife and mother of your children.

• Never, I repeat never, say to your wife "You aren't my mother, I don't have to buy you a present." That's just offensive and disrespectful. It's not funny. 
• Say thank you on other days besides Mothers Day. If your wife is fortunate enough to be a stay at home mom, she doesn't have it easy. She spends her entire day taking care of everyone else at the expense of her own self.  
• Don't volunteer your wife to babysit other peoples kids. If she wants to take on that additional responsibility she will offer. 
• Speaking of babysitting, please don't think you are doing your wife a favor by babysitting your own children. No, it's not babysitting. It's called raising your children and being an active, involved parent. It is what I expect of you and what she needs of you.
• It's not about a big present. A hand written note from your heart is all it takes.
• Your children will mimic you. If you treat your wife with respect and love, your children will too.
• When things get difficult between you two, and they will, step back and look what you've created. The minute that baby is born it is no longer about just you two. You have created something bigger. 
• Your wife may not always be your wife, but she will always be the mother of your children. 

Remember the love and care you have shown to me this past year, and you are going to be a great husband and father one day.

The Wife vs. The Mistress: A Lesson in Compassion

As part of another baby step towards reclaiming my life, I am once again writing for Elephant Journal Magazine.

Here is my  newest post:

The Wife vs. The Mistress

A Lesson in Compassion

Please click the link, comment and share the post if you enjoy reading it.

Making My Way Back

So many times over these past few months I've wondered how am I going to recover and heal from being hit with a sudden and unexpected divorce?

Baby steps. Nothing more than little actions that over time, build up to a stronger more confident me.

Tonight was another little baby step. Well 1,743 steps to be exact. Tonight, for the first time since last summer I went for an evening walk. After the kids were settled, I leashed up the dog and off we set for a walk.

I used to walk every evening. It was my "me" time. In fact it was one of the first things I blogged about here.  But times are different now. I only took the younger dog with me. Lada the Wonder Dog is too old to walk anymore. She looked sad as we left her behind, but her old hips just give out on her and I can't bear to see her in pain.

Stella and her fancy new
light-up leash

Although this was the first pleasant evening walk I've had in awhile, it's really not my first nightly walk. The news of my husbands affair and his walking out on me and the kids left me devastated. I was a wreck. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep and couldn't function.

At the height of my breakdown (and if what I went through wasn't a breakdown then Dear God I don't want to know what is) I was a full insomniac and would be up all night crying. I couldn't stand to be inside the house. I felt suffocated.

Eventually I realized if I went outside I felt calmer. So I began locking the house and walking up and down the street at 3am. Yes, I know that's not normal. I locked the house and left the dogs inside with the sleeping kids. I justified it by telling myself it was better to have their mom outside than inside the house crying and contemplating thoughts that a mom of six kids should never ever consider.

Being outside under the moon soothed me enough to make it through to the next day.

Tonight the same moon reminded me it is still there, but it also reminded me that I am still here too. I've walked through hell and am beginning to see a glimmer of the other side. Tonight as I walked the cool breeze allowed me to decompress from being a full time working single mom. I can't be in multiple places at once so I'm always disappointing someone. But I am doing the best I can.

Finding my way back onto the mat. Writing again. Nightly "me time" walks.

Baby steps to find my way to a new life and a new me.

PS
I've gotten wonderful comments from people who have read my blog posts related to the divorce. Thank you and I'm honored that my writing has helped someone else in the same situation. For those who've asked, here is a list of the divorce related blogs. Reading back through them is a record of my path towards healing.

Purging the Pain
One Month
When Sleep Won't Come and The Nightmares Won't Stop
End of An Era
Love Forever
The Leaves Are Dying and So Am I
A Reminder From My Child
Month of Gratitude November 7
Month of Gratitude November 9
Month of Gratitude November 14
Month of Gratitude November 18
Month of Gratitude November 22
Strong Women
The Tooth Fairy Sucks
What A Sweet Thursday
I Hate The Night
Single Mom Working Mom
My Momma Raised Me Better

Forty Four for my next 44 Years

It's actually the day after my 44th birthday. Last night I was just too sick with an ear infection and sinus infection to post a blog. Maybe it was the fever, or maybe just the Nyquil, but I gave a lot of thought to how this birthday is different and what I want to be different in the future.

So here is my list of what I'd like to accomplish in my next 44 years:

1. Travel more
2. Dance more
3. Ride in a hot air balloon
4. Finally find a sun dress that doesn't make my butt look huge
5. Skydive
6. See the Grand Canyon
7. Not wait for special occasions to dress up
8. Swim with dolphins
9. Go on a cruise
10. Whale watching
11. Take an aerobics class in Los Angeles with Richard Simmons at his Slimmons Gym
12. Ride a cable car in San Francisco
13. Visit all 50 states
14. Have more fresh flowers in my house
15. Take a surfing lesson
16. Take ballroom dance lessons - thanks to a "bring a friend" offer I've already taken two free lessons. Maybe someday I'll be able to afford more lessons.
17. Be more spontaneous
18. Encourage my creative side to flourish
19. Publish my book (It's in the editing process now. I just need to devote more time to it)
20. Attend Summer Solstice in Times Square 
21. Finish my 500 hour RYT
22. Get back to a regular yoga practice again
23. Get back to a semi-regular meditation practice again
24. Stress less about finances
25. Make time to read more 
26. Redecorate my kitchen
27. Take more pictures
28. Walk more
29. Get a Labradoodle dog
30. Be able to afford a house cleaner
31. Watch my kids grow up to be healthy, productive adults
32. Stay healthy into my old age
33. Walk the beach more
34. Take more chances
35. Attend more live theater
36. Find a way to combine what I love to do with a way to support myself financially
37. Laugh more
38. See my book for sale on Amazon (see #19)
39. Be debt free
40. Care a little less what people think
41. Paint a baseball field onto my backyard
42. Take the kids to Disney World
43. Find balance 
44. Be happy

My Momma Raised Me Better

My dead mom talked to me today.

Mom died two years ago and I've had very few signs of her since. I've been wondering why she hasn't shown up these last few months when I've had so much trauma thrust upon me and really needed her. At times I've been glad she's not here because she'd be beyond pissed at the way her daughter and her grandchildren have been treated. And at times I've been pissed she wasn't here for me when I needed her so badly.

Today I heard from her loud and clear. It came through on a radio station I never listen to and a song I've never heard before - Miranda Lambert's "Mommas Broken Heart". I don't usually listen to country music so apparently this isn't a new song and I'm the last of my friends to here it.

I cut my bangs with some rusty kitchen scissors

I screamed his name ‘til the neighbors called the cops

I numbed the pain at the expense of my liver

Don’t know what I did next all I know, I couldn’t stop

Word got around to the barflies and the baptists

My mama’s phone started ringin’ off the hook

I can hear her now sayin’ she ain’t gonna have it

Don’t matter how you feel, it only matters how you look

I sat in the Kroger parking lot listening to the song laughing and crying. If my mom were here, she'd sure be saying "I ain't gonna have it! Don't you lower your standards or hang your head over someone else's shame."

My mom would not put up with bullshit or being treated poorly and she wouldn't stand by and watch me put up with it either. My momma raised me better than that. 

So many people have asked me how I do it. How have I stayed on the high road when others around me have sunk to new lows? How am I not so angry that I want the pleasure of revenge? How can I handle having full and complete custody and raise six kids all by myself?

The answer is always my momma raised me better than that.

Go and fix your make up, girl, it’s just a break up

Run and hide your crazy and start actin’ like a lady

'Cause I raised you better, gotta keep it together

Even when you fall apart

My momma raised me to believe that family comes first. My momma taught me a promise is a promise. Right is right and wrong is wrong. You don't hurt people and you don't allow people to hurt you.

My momma also taught me it's OK to fall down when you get sucker punched, but there comes a time you get your ass out of bed and get back to work. So when people tell me stories of the craziness that they went through in their divorces, I hear my mom's voice reminding me "honey, they aren't worth it." Living well and being happy is the only revenge worth going after.

Powder your nose, paint your toes

Line your lips and keep 'em closed

Cross your legs, dot your I’s

And never let 'em see you cry

And one last thing she taught me, never let them see you cry. Wipe your tears, hold your head high, hug your babies and do what you got to do.

This isn't the official video, but I like this version better.

Single Mom Working Mom

This is Spring Break week for my kids. In the past that would have meant along with the kids I also was excited about sleeping in late and fun day trips. As a suddenly divorced single mom with a new full time job, this year it means "oh shit what do I do with the kids while I'm at work all day?" It's actually just a small taste of the worries I've already thought ahead to for summer vacation.

Years ago I remember talking with my mom about what to do with the kids if/when I ever went back to work full time. I always said I don't know how women with real jobs do it. I never ever thought I'd one day be one of those single moms trying to juggle full time work and full time motherhood. But  I remember my mom saying sometimes you just have to take the financial hit, lose the pay and be with your kids.  My mom was always there for us. No matter what.

Today I promised the kids I would only work a half day and we'd go do something fun. It was a promise I was afraid to make, knowing I have two cars sitting in my driveway that both need costly repairs. But, my kids come first no matter what.

So for the first time since everything changed, I called a Forced Family Fun Day.  The teens weren't thrilled at first, but eventually they came around when I agreed to a day of laser tag.

Kid 1 couldn't join us. He was working a double shift but being the awesome kid he has become he texted us a couple times to be sure we were having fun.

We all had a great time running around playing laser tag. Even kid 2, the 16 year old grumpy boy cracked a smile!

We got home in time for me to take kid 6 to dance tonight, something the older boys handle for me since I'm normally working Tuesday nights. It was a nice treat to watch her dance and even sneak away for a bit to Starbucks to spend some one-on-one time with kid 5.

As I was driving home tonight I got a little sad thinking how unfair it all is that because of the choices of somebody else, I no longer get to be the kind of mom I want to be to my kids. I'm always rushed, always a step behind, and feel like they aren't getting the best of me anymore.

I realize how blessed I am to have a full time job that allows me the flexibility to take time off (without pay) as needed. How lucky I am that I have teen boys that drive to help with the younger kids. And a circle of support to help with the kids.

But damn, how do all the other single moms with real jobs out there do it?

I Hate The Night

Eight months in and I still hate the night. The sadness creeps alongside the darkness and takes over.

During the day I'm busy being a single mom, full time working mom, teacher, manager, housekeeper, etc. I'm everything to everyone and no one is getting the best of me. I no longer have a best to give.

At night it's just me. Alone. Too much time to think.

No, really, I'm doing good. Getting better everyday. Stronger. More hopeful.

Unexpectedly it hits. A brick wall that crashes on top of me. I'm suffocating down here.

The people I loved have left me. 

The places I've loved are gone. 

Home is no longer home.